I Need Your Help!

Now, as you may or may not know, this is my vegetarian blog which will eventually have recipes on it. (yay!) But, I need your help. I am in the phase of making rough recipes to try when I have the resources, but I want to know what you guys want.

Are there any recipes you want vegetarianized, or veganized? Or any recipes you just want me to adapt as my own? Let me know!


Today’s the Day

Today I woke up with a totally different spirit. I looked in the mirror, and I smiled.

These are the days I love. They give me hope for a brighter future.

I want everyone to have these days.

So many people struggling think that these days won’t ever come, but remember, yesterday I was struggling. We have bad days and good. You just have to remember to push through the bad and look for the light of your next good day.

What do I do to help myself have these good days?

Say at least one nice thing about yourself a day. Even if you don’t believe it and only know it because other people tell you it, trust me, it’s better than nothing.

Challenge Ed. If he says you look a certain way tell him you know you’re not perfect, but you are yourself and that’s the most important thing.

Don’t skip meals or restrict certain foods. It’s important to eat what you want, but just remember moderation. If you want a cupcake, have one for dessert, but don’t count it as a whole meal. If you have a meal plan from a dietician, it’s important to stick with it. They are trained to give you the proper nutrition plan. Don’t deprive yourself of the things you love. When I want a muffin, I have it for snack, with a yogurt and fruit to make it complete. Learn to love food again and eat the things you’ve told yourself you couldn’t have. Just not all in one day.

It’s important to be kind to yourself. I know how hard it is to do that, but you are all worth it. I don’t have to know you to know that you are important to this world and people out there love you. Be strong. Don’t give up on recovery.

My Letter To Ed

Dear Ed,

I want you to know, I’ll always cherish the time we had together. You made the biggest impact on my life, sometimes I’d even think more than the day I was born. We were the closest couple I ever knew. We went together like two peas in a pod. But I have come to a realization. This is an abusive relationship.

You hurt me. You broke me down and took control. You wouldn’t let me make decisions for myself, but you made think I knew what I was doing. I felt hopeless. Helpless. It wasn’t me anymore. This is really hard for me to say, but we are done.

No longer am I allowing you to tell me what to do. This is my life, not yours. I want to have a future, and you aren’t a part of it. One day I’ll have kids of my own, with a supportive and loving partner, and I’ll tell them about you. I’ll tell them about our romance. How we danced together every night and ran through the streets in the morning. We talked every night and ate meals together. Then I’ll tell them what you did to me.

You destroyed the real me. I forgot who I was. I wasn’t acting myself. I longed for the days when I was free and laughed with my friends.

You locked me up. You took me to a secret room and hid me away from everyone. You didn’t let me out for nearly 4 years. Enough is enough. I can’t let you hurt me anymore.

Ed, we had a fun run. It wasn’t so great while it lasted and I’ll never get those years back. I will do everything in my power to make the most of what life I have. I will repair friendships I have disintegrated by being distant and oversensitive. I now know what has always been bugging me. You hid it from me for so long, but I am thankful I realized it.

I can escape this all. I can be myself once again. I have a new confidence I never knew I could experience. I have compassion I never thought I’d have. I am independent once again. I have taken the reigns of my life and am leading me on the path I want to go on.

I’ve come to a time where I’ve matured, and you haven’t. You need to grow up and stop acting so childish, always having fits if I ate the donut and didn’t purge or screaming at me to get up and exercise. Temper tantrums aren’t sexy. I was wrong to try and build a strong relationship with you. I was wrong to think you were right for me. We are complete opposites and it’s never going to work. I am strong. You are weak. I am so over you.

Don’t bother calling, I won’t pick up. Don’t write to me, I’m just burn them. If you try and talk to my friends, I will never let you get close to them. I’ll always have the memories, but none of them are good. You can have my size 00 clothes, I don’t want them. You can have all the hair I lost when I was with you. You can have your stupid attitude and get the hell out of here. I won’t say please, you don’t deserve it. Get out of my life.

Goodbye Ed, I’m not going to miss you.

I encourage everyone to write their own letter to Ed. At first you may be reluctant, but after a while the words flow out and you get to express what you truly think about him. Ed doesn’t have to be a boy, it can be Eddie, Ana or Mia, or anything else you would like to call it. Just be sure to separate who you are from who your eating disorder is.

Just Thought I’d Say Hi

So today has been a little weird for me. For over a week I haven’t had the urge to binge at all. But then today I got thrown off my game.

You see, my mom causes me a lot of anxiety. Which is hard for me because we have to stay at the same place everyday and sleep in the same room. It makes recovery really challenging.

So anyways, I was really stressed out today. And I almost binged. The keyword is almost. Somehow I got the strength to stop myself and take a step back. I have a lot of issues with balancing not binging and not restricting, since I have had both disorders. So I made sure I kept eating all my meals and snacks and tried to, what I like to call, barter, with Ed.

So you’re probably wondering who Ed is. Ed is my alter ego, or more commonly known as my eating disorder. I don’t like to think of us as the same person. We have different values and beliefs. Ed thinks that if I am skinny all my problems will go away. I know that the less I weigh the more problems I have. Ed likes to lie and deceive people, but I know honesty is a great policy to have. I realize how hard it can be for people to understand that Ed and I are not the same person. The easiest way to put it is this: my brain is an apartment building. Both Ed and Melissa have a home in there. Ed does what he wants and I live my life how I want. We occupy the same space, but we are only neighbours, not the same person. One of the worst things you can do to someone with an eating disorder is classify them as anorexic or bulimic. It becomes the only thing that comes to their mind when they think of themselves and they forget who they truly are. Once they are their eating disorder, it is harder to climb out of the hole and continue on with your life. Sometimes, you almost have to start from scratch and get away from the judgments.

Now, I never like to barter with Ed. He doesn’t deserve any of my attention. In my opinion, he is a loser and abusive. Our relationship never worked. But he keeps coming back, he doesn’t want to say good-bye and let me move on. I have said my good-byes to him (I’ll put the letter I wrote on here) and I believe one day I will be able to put my mind on lock down from him. Just hopefully he doesn’t find this blog.

Eating disorders are a hard thing to manage, but you can never give up. Things may seem like they’re getting worse in the beginning, but they get better. Yes, you’ll have your bad days, but I know anyone out there who is suffering has the strength to overcome this.

I would post some recipes for you guys, but I’m at the RMDH in Hamilton and don’t have access to a lot of ingredients. But soon, I will be on my own and able to do all the experimenting I desire.

A Little Bit About Me

I can’t tell you my age, or where I live, but I can tell you who I am.

I am a girl, going through the struggle of life. Actually, I wouldn’t call what I’ve been doing the last four years even living. You see, I have been fiercely battling both anorexia and bulimia.

It all started the summer before grade nine. I was told by my family I was getting fat and was only going to get bigger. A boy I liked started making fun of me for my thighs, my friends were experimenting with bulimia and my self esteem was low. I didn’t know how to deal with all this. Then the big change happened.

I told my mom I wanted to get a tattoo and she said: “big girls can’t have tattoos, you’re going to get fat and it’ll look bad on you”. That set me over the edge. I started on a rigid diet and exercised for hours on end. I started to lose weight, and at first, it felt great.

I showed all the signs of anorexia, but my family couldn’t tell. It went unnoticed for months, almost a year. Then I stopped losing weight. But I wasn’t ready to gain weight. So I resorted to bulimia.

For a week I ate and then forcefully vomited immediately afterwards. I felt so good about myself; I could eat anything I wanted, and didn’t gain anything!

But I was hurting my body. A lot more than I realized. I was admitted for the first time at the end of grade nine and spent my birthday in the hospital. In fact, I spent two months in the hospital trying to correct my weight and improve my potassium levels.

A lot happened during those two months. You see, I am a victim of child abuse: verbal, physical and sexual. I couldn’t keep quiet any longer and came forward during my stay. I was immediately put into foster care and CAS looked for a home for me to stay.

I thought things were going better, but not so deep down I knew I just wanted to lose weight again.

I did everything to lose weight.

And then started the wave of admissions.

My worst was when I was 16 and weighed 65 pounds. I was about to die.

I was in the hospital for a month, then transferred to McMaster children’s Hospital for another two months. I must say, of all the hospitals I’ve been to, they have the best program.

But I wasn’t ready to get better then. I secretly binged and purged on my passes and hid it from everyone. I was discharged at a weight of 92 pounds and went home knowing I would do anything to get back down.

Things went horribly. I started losing again and my body was shutting down. Within eight months I was down to 75 pounds again. But this time was different. I had an extra heart beat and they told me if I went home I would probably die of heart failure. I thought, this is the end, and was ready to accept it.

Then a miracle happened. A spot opened at McMaster for me to be transferred there. Things have been going great ever since.

I have almost fully restored my weight and have a lot less urges to binge, purge or restrict. I really feel different this time, I actually want to get better and survive this.

When I get to go home I will be moving out and finding my own place, escaping the abuse and anxiety. I am excited for my new life.

If anyone you know has an eating disorder, or is starting to feel uncomfortable with how they look, please talk to them. Even if they don’t want it, try and find them help. Catch it as soon as possible before things get as bad as they did for me.

I support vegetarianism, but I don’t support restricting. Do not take anything out of your diet (other than meat) unless you have an allergy. Everything is good, in moderation. Yes, that includes fats and sugars. So go ahead, eat that candy bar, just not everyday.

Love yourself, you are all beautiful.